The Moment

It's been a long time. Time pass really fast and i don't realise that i have been about 2 years didn't step in my blog. There is a lot of happened and changed on me of this two years. In the beginning i though that my lover has turned on me, and always hope so. Unfortunately she didn't, i think i know the reason. When i felt that she has turned on me is the trip to Hatyai, Thailand. I was glad that she coming with me and having a good time. I'm really appreciate that a lot, i always remember that moment of joy.

I changed my job and request by my territory manager to base at Kluang of Johore. I thought this is good chance to make our distance shorter because she was working in Singapore. I believe she was feel the same way too in the beginning. After few times we met each other, i was feeling she was a bit different in the way she talk and act. I started worried about our relationship will be end in anytime. Because of i love her so much and i can't help myself to stop miss her, even now.

She keep pushing me away and keep a distance away from me. I felt difficulty to fall in sleep at night in that time. Somehow, i still have to work for survival, I'm not a kid under protection of my parent anymore. When i get home everyday after work, i felt very tired, angry, lonely, depressed and empty. Maybe one of the reason is I'm alone here all the time. Time after time, i spoke to myself or laughing while driving some times. I talked to myself take am i insane or some kind of psycho. So i will shopping like a shopaholic when i got chance to meet my friends at KL.

Time passed really fast, it's Chinese New Year again. I visited her before i get back to my home town to meet my parent. We don't have much conversation, just watch Singapore TV programme and have a little chit chat. She invited me to stay for lunch but i rejected, i just felt that uncomfortable to stay any longer. I got nothing to do after i get home, what a boring Chinese New Year.

Economy crisis impact the whole world. There were many big organization and factory closing down or outsourcing. More than hundred million people lost their job in the world of year 2009. My company also spreading the bad news and rumor. I started panic and thinking to change job. However, i still stay with my company. I had no idea how is my future or career. What i think it's totally depend on the situation, worried is useless.

My uncle called me last month about my father was in the general hospital. I asked him why but he said better ask my mother. But my mother never answer my call. Then i called my elder sister who stay at Johore Bahru. Apparently she doesn't know what had happened to father. After that i started calling my younger sister and luckily she pick up the phone and told me that father having vascular obstruction. I was worried and thinking to take emergency leave fly back to them. My head started thinking all the bad things in that time, because i never thought this will happened on my family. After a while, my mother told me not to do so, father is fine and stable already. Then she passed the phone to my father and talk to me. My nervous straight away disappeared after talking to my dad.

My good friend getting married after few weeks. He invited me to attend his wedding ceremony. Of course i promised and congrats to him. I met a lot of old friends when i reached the ceremony. I feel happy to him can get a beautiful wife who he loves for many years. he don't have much time to spend with me when I'm in Miri. He was too busy to get ready everything, so i also didn't disturbing him. I just hang out with two close friends enjoy beers at a bar. I met my father after the day, he come along with my uncle who was get medical therapy. We having our breakfast at 2020 cafe and met my company Ex-staff. I looked at my father face, he was get older and older with his aging wrinkles. After that, he took me to get some medical cream for my auntie. I gave him some money for his body check up revisit in July. I said to my dad i love you but in deep of my heart. Then they get ready to leave the town and send me back to my friend's house. I leave the town at night also.

I drove to Kl last week to release tension. I bought some Durian to my friends and enjoy it together. I also brought the Chivas that i bought it at the Tioman Island in May. I just drank for a few glass of it. But one of my friend still drinking after i slept. He took a photo when i slept, but i awake with a strange feeling. And he show me the picture he took, it's really disgusting. We went to Kinokuniya book store to find the book i want after all of us waked up. I was very happy manage to get the book 'Yakuza Moon'. I left the last chapter to finish reading the book. It is a nice book to read, it's the memoir of the gangster daughter.

出坡去沙巴，最终日

25/08/07

起床了





帅！拍一张~~（笑）



太帅了，多一张~~（大笑）



实在太帅了，越拍越帅自己都快受不了，不拍了...(烦恼）



唐朝大酒店





沙巴廉价机场



。。。。。



班机被延迟，很懊恼的低头



再见~

出坡去沙巴，第五天

24/08/07

海湾











黑椒牛肉饭

出坡去沙巴，第四天

23/08/07
Warisan Square



平常时间好像不怎么热闹



海鲜高级食堂



海滨公园



在干一杯～（笑）

出坡去沙巴，第三天

22/08/07

一趟收费二十五的歹徒。（气）



吃饱后没事做，看到彩虹就拍了一张。



初次来沙巴的碧咸变得不知所措。（骗鬼啊）




冷冷的机场

出坡去沙巴，第二天

21/08/07
吃早餐~ （笑）



沙巴大学的基因研究室



因为找不到吃的而烦恼的打电话。（冷）



午餐有着落了，可是很难吃的说。。。（汗）



病理學研究室



土地研究部门



没冰的一块一，有冰的一块六。。。（汗）



六块半的牛肉面



四块半的。。。好像没分别。。。（冷）



干杯干杯～～（笑）



本大爷和基拉～

出坡去沙巴，第一天

本大爷很开心能因为工作去沙巴一趟，从以前就听说那里是个很不错的地方。。。那里的风景的却很不错。可是生活费和吉隆坡有的比 XD。

20/08/07
这是我在廉价机场看到的美眉。她漂亮到小弟弟都张大嘴尖叫了．

哇~~她好像模特儿哦。。。很喜欢的说。

哇~（流鼻血）

这是本大爷从唐朝大酒店里拍的。

403房

很可怜的网咖。。。一小时两块半 （冷）

风，香

香，风知道不管你到了哪里都还是一样，因为这就是香。
香很在意别人的话，其实别人跟在意你的话。
所以香不必在乎别人的话，而是你怎么对待别人。
他们怎么看你，说你，笑你，是他们的自由。
香一定觉得生气，脑羞，伤心的，因为香忘了选择。
选择不在乎（不是不理），选择怎么改善（慢慢的学）。


香照镜子时，一定只看到没用的自己，却没看到真真的自己。
别忘了，每面镜子都在你的反方向。

到处漂泊的风

腐 烂 的 爱 情

冷。親愛。是否已把我遺忘。
在零下三十度的奢華中。即使穿上最絢爛的舞裙。
為你撕裂舞上一曲。亦不能讓你眼神熱忱。
而多年以前的我。是那麽純白。帶著天眞的眸子朝你走去。
此刻。已經腐爛的憂傷。彌漫在扭曲的空間裏。
是否。那不能歸來的。不是你亦不是我的靈魂。
而是那化為塵土的心。
飛屑中。可你表情依然澄明。我已沒有力氣。再用枯萎的雙手。
把你擁抱在心。

已然忘記。那些被狠狠傷害過的獵物。如今已成玩偶的我。
還在尋找那片異國的天空。在那座城堡中。
我們可以品嘗著伯爵夫人的下午茶。致命的毒藥。
它蒙蔽了我們的一只眼睛。僅僅是一。便足夠。
而我們用另外一只決定眞理。可否聼我獨白。
一個世紀。
上了銹跡斑斑的螺絲。我陪伴著妖嬈的標本。
獨自微笑。以別人看不見的方式。訴説著那本應屬於你我的故事。

你在上輩子裏說。你可以。
於是我便在今生開始了死亡的旅行。
我的存在。便是滅亡。而生命在誕生的同時。已經死去。
儘管雙手顫抖。試圖留駐。卻已經忘記。屍體不能擁有的一切。
你是否看見。我黑色的衣裙依然如烏鴉的晚禮服般。
隨風飄蕩。帶來黑色的訊息。
而我們香甜的孩子。成爲了魂魄。只在天地間徘徊。
你在這輩子裏說。你可以。
於是我便在下輩子裏開始了死亡的旅行。
而沿途。沒有風景。

愛。相愛。在一起。原來是三件事情。
寂寞是它們的主題。我抓緊了來自玫瑰的嘲諷。
也忽略了淬毒的白紗。讓肌膚一層層腐朽。讓我的鮮血與玫瑰。
爭相怒放。親愛。不是恨。是帶詛咒的愛。讓你害怕。
可你永遠不能懂得永恒。瞬間的決定。
是讓你重生。即使穿上婚紗的我。能讓所有人都盲了。
也願意。心甘情願地。放棄。一場慈悲的婚禮。
森森白骨被神經所纏繞。它們給與你的靜態的視覺衝擊。
有無告訴你。這是我迫不得已的深情。

記得我依然會舞。卻不同於當年的凄美。
每一個轉身都伴隨死亡之鳥的拍翅聲。你。始終不敢呼吸。
我。始終不敢睜開眼睛。
你是否看到我墨黑的絕望。還有失溫的生命力。
我能否。用沙啞的聲音。為自己伴奏。能否。
在曲終的時候選擇煙消雲散。
你我都刻意忽略來自地獄的召喚。就在這個必須結束的舞會中。
不肯離去。我。為你。用殘餘的生命。舞上無止盡的溫情。親愛。
或離或棄。

請相信我會在地下張望著你。
驅散你身邊的陰魂鬼魅。那棺木如此溫暖。
我並不孤單。度過這個漫長的冬季。在來年的春日中。
請擕上你的愛。在我石碑前放上一束百合。
以慰籍我一只未曾合上的眼睛。仍在等待你的承諾。
關於百年好合。關於愛我千秋萬世。
你能否聽到我在森林中歌唱。那永恒的主題。
覆蓋的泥土瞬間崩裂。寸寸白骨蒸發。空氣中的水分。是否有一滴。
原本是淚。

若有來世。是否能夠認出。
我獨特的眼睛。聲音。表情。
我帶著腐爛的憂傷。走過一個又一個墓穴。
爬滿薔薇的花園。那陽光刺眼。
單單失去。一種感覺。不曾知道失去何物。
失去的感覺。就是心臟無法填補的空白。
而不知道甚麽事物。是恰好。那麽恰好地可以鑲嵌。
十字架從教堂頂端落下。插入我嫩稚的身軀。證明了我不曾被原宥的罪。
能否解脫。

我不曾被原宥。也不曾被忘記。
屬於你。親愛。的記憶。那中間被模糊的。
其實是完整的。我的味道。我可以在原地等待。
直到風化。原來一直不肯放棄的。是習慣的憂傷與絕望。
乾枯的葉子點綴了我的艷麗。讓你的和我的離去。
如此完美。再無其他言語。
我想到的。不過是那年夏天。我們曾經相親相愛。
以及原本以爲的。會一直一直下去。
而今。我糜爛的軀體。已經不能負擔所有的幻覺。
也許能送上的。也只有。黑色溫情。

修罗

我是一个陪着泪水过夜的折翼天使，为爱而堕落的我被打入了修罗界，在这里没有水和食物，只有薄薄的雾和骨髅，在死气沉沉的修罗界里，孤独的我不断地被样子狰懔的戈布林和腐臭的丧尸追杀，手无寸铁的我只能逃跑。躲过了它们之后，我却被一些恶灵缠身，它们不断的侵入我的心，撕咬着我的心，鲜血不断的从我胸口涌出来，我敌不过那种痛苦而昏迷了。昏迷的我还被恶魔侵入我的头部，我可以听到清晰的悲号不断的盘旋在我的脑海里，异常的悲痛不停的霸占我的灵魂。然而，但我睁开眼睛时，只知道我已经四肢瘫痪了。原来我被焦热的狱鬼给勾走了我的手筋脚筋。无力的我只能眼睁睁望着没有阳光的天空。我最终被困在了这里。。。

我希望。。。

已经三年了，我每天都拼命的想明天的我该做什么。。。每一天都含着眼泪，痛苦的思念着他而睡觉。找不到可以说话的人，冰冷的墙壁已经成为我的好朋友了。时间，我以为可以慢慢地把我的伤口治好。可是现在我发现时间已经背叛了我，反而把我的伤口加得更深。

我的眼睛看的东西也变得越来越模糊，可能是泪流得太多了吧。。。

我已经发觉我有精神衰落，有时我会自言自语，有时会忽然很想哭，有时会很紧张的不停冒冷汗，有时会突然不知所措。前几天我早上起来刷牙时吐了一口血痰。我开始觉得我不需为明天而烦恼了，只是不知道几时会向明天说再见。如果真的是这样的话我希望我还能再对他说一句：“我。。。永远爱着你”。